“Blaze with the fire that is never extinguished.”
Having returned to Los Angeles with a powerful new perspective, a clear head, and the passion and drive to LIVE my dreams, I have been inspired to share my experiences and document my journey in the only way that I can express it- BLAZING with the FIRE that can never be extinguished.
I won’t get into the details of my previous life in LA, except to say that it was a decade of aimlessness and emptiness, a numb existence of going through my days bereft of direction. Passion was something I remembered having in college, but it had left me, or more truthfully, I had left it. I made a series of decisions based on flawed premises that had led me, inch by inch, to a foreign existence- a hollow existence. There were fleeting glimpses of creativity and enthusiasm and spiritual intuition along the way, but they were all too easily crushed under the weight of routines and thoughts that just didn’t serve me. After a decade in LA, I knew I needed a change. So in August of ‘10, I moved to Austin, TX.
Before I had finished patting myself on the back for making such an abrupt new change, I found myself right back in the same rut. New faces, new places, same sad, dreary existence. As much as I had wanted to blame LA for everything going wrong, now I was forced to admit that the problem was in fact, Me. Out of the blue, for reasons never explained to me, I was fired from my bartending job, and I found myself unemployed, miserable, living alone in an unfamiliar city.
I fell into a deep depression. I burned through my savings staying in all day watching TV and playing video games. For weeks I lived this way, my emptiness consuming me. I went to bed at night not wanting to ever wake up again. I refused to take any action in ending my life, but if this was to be my life, I wanted nothing more to do with it.
But I kept waking up. The depression grew deeper, and I would begin to hope more and more that THIS would be the night I would fall into the blissful release of sleep, and never awaken. I surrendered. In the deepest recesses of my heart, I gave up. I let go of the life I was living- burnt it all to the ground. I refused to participate any longer.
But I kept waking up.
It began to frustrate me. “Why the hell do I keep waking up?” There must be a reason. I’ve let go- I’m ready to leave, but I could FEEL something holding me here, something that would not let me go.
The First Shift
One day, I came across a video on Youtube: motivational speaker Les Brown. I watched with cynical complacency, until he started talking about death. He asked if there were things in our lives we wished we had done- obviously, there were plenty.
He said, ”imagine you died today.” My ears perked up, “…and there, at your funeral, all your friends and family are standing there, mourning your passing. And along with all those individuals there are the ghosts of all the ideas, inventions, and creations that YOU AND ONLY YOU- with your own unique gifts and personality and experiences- only you could have brought into this world. And they are all around you mourning your loss because the world would never know them- the world would never be enriched by your bringing them into existence as only YOU could have. All of your potential- all you ever dreamed to be or were meant to create- ALL of that would die along with you.
And in the fields of ash my life had become, a new seed had taken root.
I began to feed that seedling. It became EVERYTHING to me- my entire world. I hungrily devoured any Les Brown messages I could find, which led me to other positive thinkers like Will Smith, and then Abraham -Hicks, where I heard truth after resonant truth about the Universe and the love that surrounds us and is who we really are. I learned things and listened to them with an openness that I had NEVER had before. I fed myself hours of positive, enlightened, deeply spiritual messages that brought about the greatest PARADIGM SHIFT of my life:
We are spiritual beings who chose to have this physical experience- we wanted it- we selected these circumstances with which to play this game of life, and when our physical bodies die, we go right back to the non-physical vibration from whence we came.
We are here, in this physical form, to expand the Universe by co-creating with our own unique set of desires. We want more, and thus it is created- REAL- in a non-physical state- until we BELIEVE in it so much, so completely, that it becomes physical. The Wright Brothers did this with their vision of air flight. Edison (and Tesla) did this with electricity- believing in their IDEA, more than the reality that surrounding them, until their idea became the reality.
Our thoughts CREATE our physical experience. Our feelings are the indicator of how well we are aligned with all that we have created. When we feel bad or focus on negative thoughts, we hold ourselves apart from all that we really are, and worse, create MORE of the situations and circumstances that bring about those bad feelings and negative thoughts in the first place.
When we feel good, we are in alignment with all that we wish to be, and all that we want begins to manifest. When we can let go of all doubt and disbelief, what we want MUST manifest. It is Universal Law. How quickly it happens is decided by how much resistance we give to the idea actually becoming physical reality.
So now I knew what had held me here- my inner being/Source/the Universe. But I didn’t quite have a handle yet specifically WHY. My best friend, who had given me the space to have my breakdown/breakthrough had been suggesting that I take an Acting Class. Sure, I have an Acting degree, and had once called it my passion, but I hadn’t acted in 10 years.
After I had shored up a new well of positive energy, strengthened perspective, and deep trust in the guidance of my intuition, I listened to my friend, and took a “Creativity” Acting class.
The Second Shift
I was excited to discover what the Universe had in store for me. Would the class be a waste of time? I chose NOT to talk about it or think about it or analyze it. I just left it up to the Universe. It would be whatever it was supposed to be.
In the very first class, we were asked to do improv scenes- the one area of acting I had always feared- and with a class full of strangers in this unfamiliar town, that old fear was palpable. A student stepped onstage for the next scene. The teacher asked, “who will join her?“
The old fears flooded my mind- but this time they were met with a new inner voice. ONE thought blasted through my mind: What would the GREATEST version of YOU do right now? Before the full thought could be completed in my head, I was on my feet, standing center stage, ready to conquer this old fear. And conquer it I did. Where fear had been, pure exhilaration now lived. I ROCKED that scene- and I established a reputation of talent from there forward in the class, but most importantly, I felt the deepest, most profound understanding of my Purpose that I have ever known in my life: that I am MEANT to be a massively successful actor, and to inspire others to live their passions in the pursuit of my own.
I felt like I had been struck by lightning. I had known I wanted to be an actor back in school, but this- this was nothing less than the metaphorical Hand of God seizing me and saying,” This is what you were meant to do. Are you listening to me now?!?”
Yes. Yes I absolutely am.
I will never, EVER doubt again.
The Third Shift
So now I knew the truth of my existence, and what my life purpose was. How could it possibly get any better than this? I continued listening to Abraham- Hicks, and began to dig deeper into the Universal Law of Attraction, and how we create our own experience. I began to dabble with manifestation, and to see how this “law” I had heard so much about could be applied to my Purpose-driven life as an Actor & Writer & Creator in general.
At this point I had firmly re-established the daily ritual of writing Morning Pages- a practice set forth in The Artist’s Way, a powerful, highly recommended book I read a decade ago. Only now, I had fused this habit with Abraham’s Morning Process (look it up on Youtube) where I spent about 30 minutes each morning focusing my thoughts and feelings on what I wanted to bring about in my physical experiences. These included pondering such thoughts as:
“Guide me to thoughts that are in harmony with my core desires,” and
“Help me to rendezvous with other like-minded people.”
With this new powerful daily practice in place, I was now connecting with that highest version of myself, and living and taking action from the perspective of a purpose-driven life. I let go of asking “How?” I left that up to the Universe. Instead, I focused only on what I wanted and the FULL, doubt-free KNOWING that it is already mine, and on its way to me. I asked for guidance in my acting career. “What is my next step?” “Become SAG Eligible” was my answer.
So I decided that I would BE SAG-E. No self-doubt. No questioning “How?” No allowing real-world statistics or others’ experiences to cloud my vision. I would BE SAG-E, and that’s all there was to it. Within 2 weeks, I was in possession of the 3 SAG vouchers that confirmed my unwavering belief.
I kept asking to be guided to those rendezvous that would allow my massive success as an actor. I came upon a new friend who just happened to teach amazing insider knowledge of Oscar winner’s family secrets and their stunningly effective acting techniques, which made my theater degree look like remedial education. I hungrily devoured all the jewels of knowledge he shared, and surged further forward down the path of my purpose.
I discovered the difference between knowing the truth and walking the truth. Having an intellectual knowledge of any topic was meaningless without living that truth, as I was now doing. Things have lined up for me in ways that cannot be rationally explained, and they continue to do so.
Intuition and serendipity are now my everyday friends. I don’t label them as “weird,” or “unusual” or even “amazing” anymore. This habit of labeling that we humans have engages the logical, analytical part of us, and switches off intuitive connection we all have to a wisdom that far surpasses even the most brilliant single mind. To me, intuition and serendipity are now as much an ordinary part of my day as brushing my teeth. They can be for all of us.
I am so grateful to have come to know what I am meant to do while I remain a part of this physical experience. I don’t take this knowledge lightly. I know, having lived for so long apart from this life purpose, how deeply blessed I am to have come upon this knowing twice in this lifetime. I won’t- I can’t- set it aside again. I refuse to ignore it in the struggle to pay bills or survive or do what others expect of me as I have done for far too many years. I would rather end this physical life today than ever turn my back on my purpose again. Life without purpose for me was empty and painful and confused and unclear, and as it just so happens, completely unnecessary and against the grain of who and what we are meant to be and do.
I don’t claim to have all the answers. But it is my mission, in LIVING my purpose doing what I love to do, that I might inspire others to take the same risks, and to seek to live the life of their dreams and absolutely NOTHING less. There is a greater version of you inside each one of us. Right now, in this very moment, ask yourself, “ What would THAT person do?”